PHOEBE's <3
Thursday, June 22, 2006
well ok i admit... i luv blogging... i know... i know haven been blogging for a week or so ?at least i think so... jus felt so lost of topic to blog about... ha! aniwae heres something i would really like to share...ok i noe there r many free thinkers out there, i hav nothing against tt... but since tis is my blog... i'm here to share about my life and i'll speak my mind... note tt i'm not here to preach ya ? i would jus love to share about my new found source of strength, joy and direction...yes i am a Christian, but i'm not a born Christian i came to know Christ towards the end of 2001, and converted into one on 12/1/2002 when i was turning 14. i knew this was wad i was looking for through an array of happening within my inner-self and my family over the years.then again ever since i entered design sch, my world started to spin and subconsiciously i started losing my sense of direction to wad i really wanted to do and wad i need... and oh yes... i started realising lately tt something is missing from my life and yet i dunno wad... wad a troubling point to notice... i was so apart from myself... i didnt noe how to be jus being myself... my dear frens might hav noticed tt i was jus trying to be... and oh yes i went through tis stage tt i prob wouldnt even dare to call myself a christian, and to think i forgotten wad tt mere word is supposed to signify... i forgot wad merely to be happy means and i didnt noe how it was like anymore... i was pathically trying all ways and means to fill in the missing gaps... to think tt i was actually taken in to the material issues... it wasn't until tues night tt i suddenly knew i hav to give Pamela a call... well she's been one of the most outstanding youngsters i hav ever seen... she was my mentor when i was 14 or so... basically ( Pam i noe u might not admit so) and yet i still think tt u played a major part into who i eventually turn into today... thank you for knowing me tis well to be there always guiding me along... somehow its such a blessing that we r so much on the same frequency tt we can always communicate so well tt u'll always bring me to this level of understanding tt i've never been able to attain alone and i doubt if anyone else can understand and do the same as u did for me...thank you for jus how special u r tt u've never failed to inspire me tt i noe we're placed togather in life tt u'll lead me on... but of cos the more i thank you, the more it reminds me to thank god and how faithful our lord is... that despite of how i lost my identity in christ along the way tt i suddenly realised tt despite the troubles i abruptly got reminded that theres still an eternal reason to experience joy... indeed... jus through knowing how beautiful a heart the lord has given to you tt i know i can never grasp the dept of how marvellous our lord is... i always knew and as wad Pam u used to tell me u knew god wanted me to someting different and big in life tts purposeful in our father's sight... infact i knew he has the same plan from u too... i was so ashamed to call myself a christian tt i tot the almighty god has taken the chance away from me... and yet now i know tt he has never given up upon me... again i found a new reason and how it used to be to trust god Seriously its not until recent times tt i found out tt i actually find it hard to trust ppl around me... ppl do change and tts a painful fact tt all beings will hav to face and its either for the better or for the worst... i was so robbed of my life greatly becos of tt... yet i guess it doesnt matter to anyone and least i guess not anymore i suppose... its scary sometimes cos u'll never know how changes in the ones dearest to you can affect you esp when u slowly realise tt things r drifting apart and no one really care no more... i've been crying a lot lately and i didnt noe y... now i noe... Pam u were so right... human r sinners as such tt pure, true luv for ppl might actually hurt someone unintentionally...i was so afraid tt i'll be so caught in my own issues tt ppl will move on without me... and worst when u hav onli ur self to blame and hold responsible to face the mess... yet Pam did you know tt its ur strong sense of rightousness and a heart as lovely and lovable as yours tt i've never doubted in u... then again, thank you so much to my lord and my greatest sis tt i found a new area, a new source and a new direction again... cos i noe all i need is to trust god!i doubted and yet now i realise tt i need god in my life tis badly... in fact we all do... i was afraid and yet i noe there no reason to fear animore... christ's greatestness is good and the beauty of his luv is beyond any desire of wad any man will yearn for... truely my lord wad i was missing tis while, tt brought me tons of helplessness; fear and pain, was your purpose in my life... from now on i'll take ur lead in, i'll honour you and onli for u in wadeva i do... thank you for giving me a chance of rebirth again, to luv life, luv wadeva i do, luv you and ppl around me even more and more... thank you for luving me this much and jus how precious anyone as common, unworthy and sinful as me can afford to...Thank you for this new source of wisdom tt i hav always yearned for tt u hav planned to take its cause for the past year... tt i no longer runaround just to lead life in seek for something to fill tt emptyness in so many ppl around me tt they prob never even notice... thank you for this new state of believing in you, in life and wadeva i do... thank you for ur peace tt i've always needed and finally this state of joy i'm in now tt i noe onli u r capable of... i've always knew i was right to decide to believe in ur preachings...Well ppl, for my fellow sis and bros in christ, i give praise to our father and i hope my testi will be inspiring to u and even a new renewal of faith as i did if needed... for the non-believers i dunno if u can actually grasp wadeva i'm writing about but bascially u jus need to noe tt i'm jus luving my beautiful god...