PHOEBE's <3
Friday, March 30, 2007
my jie meis... i really dunno if i can call u girls my jie meis anymore... after all the ups and downs n changes we have been thru in our friendship... infact it hurts me n i'm still in the process of recovering... honestly i feel bad for leaving things behind but still i'm also thankful tt God nvr made me do well all the while i was there at least i dun have to be dragged down n able to leave this easily... i shld nvr go back... i have more valid reasons to leave than to stay... i really dun wish to have anything to do wif the place anymore... i stopped believing in the place and i stopped trusting those ppl up there... the only thing i can allow to have contact wif the place is the people whom i still wish to call friends... honestly the place is dangerous... i dun know if i shld actually be thankful but i'm more thankful tt my consicious told me to nvr fully listen to wadeva was taught there... i feel tt wad the place has given me were thing tt were not so significant in my life... yet wad i lost were the things tt meant the most to me... i guess i nvr did well in the place as i nvr allowed my greed to take over me... till now i still cant accept the fact that we were taught to be greedy over money for the desire to fuel u to earn them... money was nvr wad i wanted ... n i jus dunno how to carry on like tis... i dunno wad more can the plcae give me wif this indifference in me... i'm not going to allow the greed for money take over my consicious which i guess many of u ppl there did... i'n designer n betta still i'm a child of God... and ppl like us dun fuel on money... i nvr do things knowing how much money i can earn... i really dun wan anything to do wif NWM anymore.... it took me a hard time n a lot of courage to decided to leave the place... after i have based my life there so much for this 15 months or so... i guess tt by itself was a very wrong thing i did... i dun even know if it was actually rite for me to be there in the first place... NWM is dangerous ... it is the culture being passed down tt's able to draw u away... yes the ability to influence ppl is power but the ability to control ppl's thinking n absorb one's mind is even more powerful... its dangerously powerful... cos its too extreme a form of thinking tt's being passed down in NWM ... i guess its nessecery to hold a network in place n to stir them to produce results... hence i cannot see myself doing sumthing tt i've been betraying my consicious anymore...i've been very very disappointed wif my uplines and generally the ppl up there in that place... even ppl i tot i can hold the dearest to me... i guess the thing tt i regret the most being there in the first plcae was tt our friendship was built on the grounds on NWM... u know who u r when i say this... i know u read this blog... wad crap we were taught abt being commrades together n the best of friends we were to become n all... tt we were looking for ppl wif the same mindset... zhi tong tao he n all... now tt i look at it its all rubbish... i dunno why i said all those things to u last nite... i know they hurted u... but its hard for me to accept the fact tt we were so close but jus becos i stepped into NWM wif u as upline tt we became like tis... all the while u knew u meant a lot to me throughout tis journey in NWM... but do u know how much pain u have inflicted upon me... i feel we have reduced to being jus working partners rather than friends... how my most trusted uplined including u, have treated me have made my believes n grounds shaken so badly in the place...u're wrong to say last night tt it wasnt as if u all have been buggin me of the place... maybe i shld be thankful for tt cos afterall i will nvr allow one to control me unwillingly... or shld i say tt no one really bothered... well u bascially dumped me on my own there not long after u brought me in didnt u?... i went thru this point in time when i stopped fighting but was merely bumping around as i couldnt function anymore... i cannot function without a conviction... i dun wan to be blindly running after sumthing... infact sumthing tt i dunno if i wan to have... the four of us were getting no where... miss mei qi was rite... we actually need not feel so ashamed of us being partners of the fact that four of us faught for one manager position...if we were producing more than we could be achieving thanks to our partnership... we were lacking in synergy... there was no teamwork... n do u even rem e fact tt u mentioned were was no point in trying to do so? it was when the worst happened to me in that place tt made me disappeared to decided tt i needed a gd break from tt place.. tt i saw true colours... to know who r my genuine friends... dun get me wrong... i realli hope we are still friends i still wish to cherish u as sumone dear i know... but do u know tt all this while in tt place u haven been the person i know... n tts wad hurted me the most... u put up a strong self infront of me... u wasnt being true... when i was hurting so badly thanks to a boy tt point in time ... someone else was there n truely there for me... i call her pam... ( if u hav been consistantly reading my blog u will know who she is) infact i haven met her for i guess a couple of years? but i nvr doubted how much she cares for me as a friend... i only caught up wif her not long before the incident broke me down... but she was truely concerned n was there for me... to cheer me on... to travel from one end to the other to see me to make sure i'm ok... to get her bf to take leave so tt we can hav a game of badminton together... tts a true n genuine friend... i dun mean u r not geniune to me n i dun meant tt u r no genuine friend but it jus so diff when our friendship has been based on a biz... wad will u tell me comapred to wad pam did for me, " jus dun think so much n go fight n earn sum money... these things will straighten themselves out"? do u know these hav been thing tt u hav been telling me very time i hav been hurting... u see the diff ? u haven been urself jsu becos u were my upline... perhap it was because u feel responsibilty or u were so absorbed n totally enjoying the regconisition n status of being our big sis or my my upline tt u were putting up such a strong front... this isnt u... the u i know is soft on the inside but u were faking to be strong... of the fact tt the four of us are shakened now n u feel so bad ... tts the real u... do u know tt cos of ur strong front in front of me... u lost ur personal touch to me... we have been reduced from friends to jus partners... at least i feel so... i felt i was there jus to boost ur ego of being sumone important ... i once stay becos i treasure tis friendship we share but i came to realisation tt tts not reason for me to stay on... i suppose if theres no changes made among us i dun think there will be anymeans to rescue this friendship... i cannot stay... i dun wish to be hurts anymore... if i do stay its gonna get me nowhere... wad NWM is giving is not wad i wan anyway... i tot it would workout... but it didnt... I still wanna be friends i dunno y i said those painful things knowing tt it will hurt u... i'm trying hard not to hold it against u... n i'm trying not to regert being in NWM in the first place... maybe i shld appologise ... i needed to draw the line clear i dun care wadeva opportunities can cum along in the place.. knowing it will grow bigger n stronger... i jus dun wan to be involved in the place anymore...my lord, i praise u for taking me out of this place... i praise u for this lap of faith i took to leave the place when it wasnt an easy thing for me to do... when i had to give up so much... when both to leave or to stay on was neither easy for me... thank u for giving me the strength n courage to leave... thank u for givin me so much more of wad i yearn after i left... thank u for helping me adapt to my my new life... thank u for givin me a new buch of friends in CF to grow in u and ppl who realli care n r there for me... where i can find true companionship to fill up the hole i've been feeling inside me... thank u for providing for me... even my material desires... tt i was running after in NWM but nvr to get... thank u for giving me all the pain i felt tt eventually took me out of the place tt i used to be so stubborn about... thank u for nvr allwong me to do well in the place tt i have no responsiblities tt i can leave this easily with nothing to drag me back to the place... thank u for allowing me to see ur light... i appologise to have ignored ur holy spirt for so long over my consicous to stay in the place all the while... I ask for forgiveness over the wrong things i did when i was there when NWM was more impt than u in my life... i ask for strength to carry on father because i know i'm doing the rite thing to leave... i ask for ur presence in my life to heal me of me emptiness n my pain... thank u for my parents who understand and are always there to decisiions i make... thank u for drawing me nearer to them now... i ask for guidence to stay faithful in ur ligth n truth n to guild my heart against more follies of the place ...